When I'm King of America

Started thinking about the changes I'll decree to make it a better country, when I become King of America, beyond the obvious.

Here's the short-list:

1. Cut all taxes by 90%.
2. Make up shortfall by ticketing absolutely everyone who changes lanes or turns without signalling.
3. ...and by a $1000 tax on all white cars in California. On principle.
4. Double tax for white vans. Obviously.
5. Outlaw endnotes of any kind. (Duh.)
6. Ban Old Navy commercials. They are known to lower IQ.
7. Revise history books to skip the 39th, 42nd and 44th presidents.
8. Bring back Firefly. (Duh.)
9. Disband the American Episcopalian church, the UMC, and the PCUSA. Convert buildings to bowling alleys. (Seriously, dudes, you're done. Read the memo.)
10. Require that all females who call themselves "pastors" wear this while "on the clock."
11. Outlaw temperatures over 80 degrees and humidity over 40% in Texas.
12. Stiff penalties for in-print misuses of there/their/they're, it's, your/you're, quotation-marks, asterisks, and the words "literally" and "fascinating."
13. Require that everyone who thinks I should pay for her contraceptives buy me a handgun of my choice.
14. Decrease number of Starbucks by half, increase number of Peet's by 875%, and require their presence in every state of the Union. Or at least Texas. Or at least Copperfield.
15. Eliminate all copies of Alien 3 and the last ~20 minutes of Alien 4.
16. Stiff fine for anyone who says "Turkey Day," except to excoriate the practice.
17. Stiff fine for anyone who writes or (even worse) says "Xmas."
18. Double the fine if they try to defend "Xmas" by appealing to a foreign alphabet 99.999% of Americans don't know.
19. Eliminate voting ballots or material in any language but English.
20. Require Chicago to reconcile with Pete Cetera, Bill Champlin, and Danny Seraphine, outlaw any more "greatest hits" albums, and mandate that they get their groove back.
21. Decree that Chicago be listed in Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Seriously. Hel-lo?
22. Outlaw televisions in waiting rooms.
23. Stiff fine for commenting on blog posts without reading post.
24. Cancel all frivolous federally-funded research projects, and redirect resources to finding a way to make non-fattening healthy foods taste as good and be as satisfying and convenient as Nutella, Oreos, ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, fried chicken, submarine sandwiches with heavy mayonnaise, hamburgers, and pizza. I mean, seriously. I can't believe someone hasn't done this already.
25. Outlaw hyphenated last names. Seriously, pick.
26. Outlaw hyphenated ethnicities.
27. Require pastors, every fifteen minutes, either to say what verse they're on, or to say "You know, I'm just making this stuff up."
28. UPDATE: require all actors to preface all public statements with this: "I am not actually a person of depth, character and accomplishment — I just play one on screen." (Added 12/6/2012)
29. UPDATE 2: severe penalties for gum (or tobacco) chewing in church. Mitigated only by note from doctor about "dry-mouth-whatever." (Added 12/8/2012)