Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Famous movies rewritten for Twitter

I don't understand, and plan never to join, Twitter. But THIS is pretty funny.

Some examples:
  • Star Wars eps 4-6: "Young boy abducted by old man, falls in love with sister, refuses family business, kills father, dances with little bears."
  • Titanic: "Ship hits iceberg, sinks."
  • The Great Escape: "Merry band of WWII POWs plan escape from prison. They all get caught." (So true. I was so disappointed in that movie! Title should be, "The Great Escape, And How There Wasn't Any")
  • Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith: "Insufferable child grows up, marries his babysitter, betrays his mentor, gets sliced and diced and a new outfit. Noooooooo!!!"
I wonder whether we can't come up with our own. Here are my efforts:
  • The Happening: There wasn't one. Trust me on this.
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still: Keanu Reeves on mood-flatteners —preaching. For. Two. Hours. Think about it.
  • Shaun of the Dead. Overnight, almost everyone turns into a zombie. Hilarity ensues.
  • The Four Seasons. Boring, self-absorbed people talk. That's about it.
  • The Sunshine Boys. Two hateful old men act like hateful old men act.
  • Lawrence of Arabia. Sand. Lots of it. In slow-motion. Repeat. [That's how I think my dear wife would write it; I actually really like the movie]
  • Star Trek: the Motion Picture: Two hours slow motion pan of Enterprise, a few minutes of action, the end. [See previous]
  • The Hired Hand. Slowly, a rusty and bent needle penetrates your skull, inches through, exits other side. Credits roll.
I'm sure there are more. You can top these. I'll update if inspiration strikes me later and you don't beat me to it.

  • Everyone you cared about in the first movie dies horribly at the start of this sequel, with one exception — and she dies horribly at the end
  • Nice man tries to kill himself to save family, so God sends an incompetent angel, who lucks out
  • Nasty old man sees four ghosts and turns nice


Kim from Hiraeth said...

Here's one I blogged about a few years ago:

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again"

Any idea what movie that describes?

Kim from Hiraeth said...

I should probably provide the answer for those who want to peek:

DJP said...

Yes, Kim, right away. That's wonderful.I thought it might've been funnier if I'd put the titles after the descriptions. But... too lazy to change everything.

Kim said...

I like the "Sunshine Boys" offering.

Kim said...

There Will Be Blood: narcissistic oil man victimizes everyone he comes into contact with.

Al said...

Passion of the Christ - Iconodulity for the modern Church.

al sends

Anonymous said...

Crazy girl writes numbers, Nick Cage finds it. Crazy girl a prophet? Lots of fire. Everyone dies but kids. Angels or Aliens? No 1 will say. -- Knowing

CLASSIC! Mystery, plot, intrigue... A SLED!? -- Citizen Kane

Will Smith gives a woman his heart literally. The rest of us leave in need of massive anti-depressant drugs. -- 7 Pounds

They just didn't care. -- Attack of the Eye Creatures (Bonus points to those who get the summary and the movie!)

Joe W. said...

A wizard, a drawf and an assortment midgets steal ring from rightful owner and never gives it back.

Anonymous said...

Death Takes A Holiday + 100 min. = slow, painful death.

Ape falls for woman. Goes to city. Falls again.

Young woman makes picnic lunch. Man she loves wins it at auction. Man she hates is angry. Man she loves kills man she hates. With songs.

Rachael Starke said...

My brain is fried from multiple essential servants breaking down at once (fridge and car), pathologically disobedient child, and nearly hitting a teenager with a deathwish on the morning school run.

I got nuthin' but am loving reading everyone else's.

JTW, the LOTR one is great.

Jon said...

Nazis steal God's Ark. God kills Nazis.

Voodoo guy steals hot rocks and children from village and performs open heart surgery with hand. Hero saves children and hot rocks.

Hero and Father search for an old cup. Nazis. Hero finds cup saves Dad, Nazis die, cup is lost.

Jon said...

Ooh! I almost forgot.

Aliens. Yeah, it was dumb.

The Squirrel said...

Video tape of staticy circle. watched? dead in 24. Don't help girl in well. eerie. (The Ring)

~SquirrelJTW: Niiiice!

DJP said...

Oh, social and the j's, some of those are hysterical.

Eye Creatures = The Crawling Eye?

Al said...

Rebellious girl is disrespectful to her father, who I think is a cop in New York, and dances the with the summer camp’s bad boy. Happy ending when dad is just relieved she’s not pregnant.

al sends

Stefan Ewing said...

Some specific ones:

* Travelling musical instrument salesman scams small town, relents, starts band.

* Cynical bar owner meets lost love & helps her & husband escape. Usual suspects rounded up.

Some generic ones:

* Evil villain/alien/monster tries to take over world & tells hero his plans, who defeats villain & gets girl.

* Evil scientist/fortune hunter tries taming nature (beast/storm/whatever), nature gets revenge, hero saves day & gets girl.

* New teacher/coach takes over hostile class/team, wins their hearts, and they win some kind of award.

* Man and woman meet. They hate each other, but really love each other. The guy gets the girl.

...I think those cover about 80% of the Hollywood archives.

candy said...

Mountain rumbles menacingly. Dog runs away. Kids run after dog. Dad chases kids. Dad and kids drive vehicle through magma to escape. Lost dog makes flying leap into back of vehicle. Dog doesn't die.

Los Angeles. Center of new volcano. Dad, kid, and dog try to escape. Dog runs away. Kid runs after dog. Dad runs after kid. Dog doesn't die.

Two brothers and a dog. Dog runs away. Dog gets rabies. Dog dies.

DJP said...

Dog gets rabies, traps owner and son in car. Dog and son die.

Anonymous said...

@DJP Good eye. (HAHA!) But not good enough sad to say. It is actually called ATTACK OF THE EYE CREATURES the description is based on a riff from Mystery Science Theater 3000. But THE CRAWLING EYE was the first cable episode of MST3K. And the former makes the latter look like an Oscar winner for visual effects, plot, screen writing, editing, etc.

DJP said...


(Without looking) - is that the one with the kids necking in cars, and the little alien guys go around and inject them or something?

Yeah, my movie actually was pretty creepy to me as a kid. Forrest Tucker, mists on the mountain, pod-zombie-people... and Crawling Eyes!!!

Daniel said...

Guess which movie:

Talking penguins make me laugh, other stuff happened that didn't.

Anonymous said...

Men fish. No luck. Men fish. Great luck. Freezer breaks. Big storm.
Everybody drowns.

Tim said...

@Daniel: Sounds like Madagascar to me. The penguins were the only thing that kept my brain cells from committing suicide while watching that movie.

Tim said...

Dan, this isn't quite the same thing as the Twitter-length movie summaries, but it's still quite hilarious:

Ultra-Condensed MoviesExample: TITANICLeonardo DiCaprio: Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun.

Kate Winslet: You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle.

(The ship SINKS.)

Leonardo DiCaprio: Never let go.

Kate Winslet: I promise. (lets go)

Tim said...

Another example: Return of the JediDarth Vader: Luke, come to the dark side.

Luke: No.

Darth Vader: Your goodness has redeemed me. Die, emperor scum.

Daniel said...

Tim - that was Madagascar both the first and (especially) the second movie. Why I tortured myself the second time however is still something I wonder about.