Why didn't the amillennialist cross the road?

When I was a guest on a show with Carl Trueman and others, I was favored with a list of reasons why the dispensationalist would not cross the road.

I thought it would be unkind not to offer back the same filial gesture, and so... ten reasons why the amillennialist would not cross the road:

1. The road is Jesus. Why would I want to cross Jesus?
2. This road is not mentioned in the Three Forms of Unity.
3. So many have already crossed it before me. Who am I to cross it for myself?
4. "Road" sounds so literal...which means it's carnal, which means No.
5. Two thousand years ago roadcrossing was inaugurated, so I'm already living in the Age of The Other Side of the Road.
6. Nobody said anything about this road before 1800.
7. Hal Lindsey crossed a road once. You'll never catch me doing it.
8. Crossing the road might be taken to mean two ways of salvation.
9. Pretty sure Calvin, Knox, Owen, Berkhof and Van Til never crossed this road, and they're my heroes.
10. People who cross roads are not real Calvinists.
11. "Road" might be used metaphorically. Therefore, there is no road to cross.

Is it... can it be...? (Hebrew accent)

So here's a word from Proverbs 6:10.

It could be transliterated as ma`at, and it means "a little," or "a bit." Let me show you a couple of things about it. First, the large characters are the consonants:

Next, the little figures under the consonants are the vowel-points:

That leaves the little odd squiggle above the word, which is the accent:

The accents all mean something, and every word has an accent. My question is:

Does that accent mean that this is the word that will defeat Voldemort?

Wednesday music (?!) — special Frank Turk edition

Only doable in a cheery way because it's a "just-for-now" goodbye:

...and because Turk's still my homeboy.

Mark Driscoll, Carl Trueman and the Pope walk into a bar...

...someone is going to have to explain every part of this to me:

Funny little event... OR IS IT?

Some of my Twitter followers and Facebook friends registered jittery reactions to a little trailer I tweeted about yesterday.

WARNING: this actually is pretty creepy, no joking.

As I said, it was one of the scariest, creepiest trailers I've seen in some time. My online buds and I chuckled about it, and that was that.

Until our Men's Fellowship meeting at church this morning. Now, I need to say: I am not making this up.

I'm listening to the leader, and I hear this cre-e-e-eaking sound behind me. I look, and...

The door to the dark storage room behind me was slowly creaking open, all by itself.

Now, notice that there's a prop at the bottom of the door. That didn't stop it. The door pushed the prop aside and swung open -- just a little.

It actually did this a couple of times. I seemed to be the only one noticing it. And so I eventually chuckled, and interrupted the leader to point out what was happening.

So I said, if this were one of those movies, someone would get up to check it out...

...and...

...would never be seen again!

And we all laughed. Because after all...

...it's just a church storage room.

...absolutely nothing to be worried about.

...OR IS THERE???

Okay, I did totally make that last one up. But not the rest. It's a windy day, that's all.

Nothing to worry about.

And there will be a bunch of Awanas and Boy Scouts running around over there all day.

What could go wrong?

How to write a worship song

Longtime faithful reader Susan just sent me this; you'll love it.

Epiphany: perfect pairing

Pity Piper doesn't follow many, including Church Curmudgeon. This is a chucklesome serendipity on my feed:

Pastoral tombstones

Someone started a hash-tag on Twitter called #pastoraltombstones.

If you don't follow me, you may have missed mine own contributions. To wit:

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
Here lie the moldering ashes of Bob,

Who dressed like a model but preached like a slob

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
He died as he lived with his right pinkie raised

So gentle and kindly — he lived to be praised;

but now life is done, and God's judgment he'll face

Not liking the price of the crowd's fond embrace

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
Lament ye the passing of good Pastor Jim,

Whose el'phant was fat, though his judgment was slim

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
Aye, farewell Johnny, your kind comes but once;

I'm sure we'll all miss your grand textual hunts

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
His children will miss him

and so will his flock

For Howard has preached

his last churchly crock

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
Pastor Smithers, a man of considerable charm

Lies dead now, ne'er more to do doctrinal harm

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
He preached and exhorted and gestured and waved,

But under this Rev'rend not one soul was saved

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********
Old Jim he was nuanced and helpful and deep

So dainty he ne'er slowed the doctrinal creep

**********   **********   **********   **********   **********   

Must-see vid: Dragon Baby

If you haven't seen this, you need to.

If you have seen it, you need to see it again.

You're welcome.

When I'm King of America

Started thinking about the changes I'll decree to make it a better country, when I become King of America, beyond the obvious.

Here's the short-list:

1. Cut all taxes by 90%.
2. Make up shortfall by ticketing absolutely everyone who changes lanes or turns without signalling.
3. ...and by a $1000 tax on all white cars in California. On principle.
4. Double tax for white vans. Obviously.
5. Outlaw endnotes of any kind. (Duh.)
6. Ban Old Navy commercials. They are known to lower IQ.
7. Revise history books to skip the 39th, 42nd and 44th presidents.
8. Bring back Firefly. (Duh.)
9. Disband the American Episcopalian church, the UMC, and the PCUSA. Convert buildings to bowling alleys. (Seriously, dudes, you're done. Read the memo.)
10. Require that all females who call themselves "pastors" wear this while "on the clock."
11. Outlaw temperatures over 80 degrees and humidity over 40% in Texas.
12. Stiff penalties for in-print misuses of there/their/they're, it's, your/you're, quotation-marks, asterisks, and the words "literally" and "fascinating."
13. Require that everyone who thinks I should pay for her contraceptives buy me a handgun of my choice.
14. Decrease number of Starbucks by half, increase number of Peet's by 875%, and require their presence in every state of the Union. Or at least Texas. Or at least Copperfield.
15. Eliminate all copies of Alien 3 and the last ~20 minutes of Alien 4.
16. Stiff fine for anyone who says "Turkey Day," except to excoriate the practice.
17. Stiff fine for anyone who writes or (even worse) says "Xmas."
18. Double the fine if they try to defend "Xmas" by appealing to a foreign alphabet 99.999% of Americans don't know.
19. Eliminate voting ballots or material in any language but English.
20. Require Chicago to reconcile with Pete Cetera, Bill Champlin, and Danny Seraphine, outlaw any more "greatest hits" albums, and mandate that they get their groove back.
21. Decree that Chicago be listed in Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Seriously. Hel-lo?
22. Outlaw televisions in waiting rooms.
23. Stiff fine for commenting on blog posts without reading post.
24. Cancel all frivolous federally-funded research projects, and redirect resources to finding a way to make non-fattening healthy foods taste as good and be as satisfying and convenient as Nutella, Oreos, ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, fried chicken, submarine sandwiches with heavy mayonnaise, hamburgers, and pizza. I mean, seriously. I can't believe someone hasn't done this already.
25. Outlaw hyphenated last names. Seriously, pick.
26. Outlaw hyphenated ethnicities.
27. Require pastors, every fifteen minutes, either to say what verse they're on, or to say "You know, I'm just making this stuff up."
28. UPDATE: require all actors to preface all public statements with this: "I am not actually a person of depth, character and accomplishment — I just play one on screen." (Added 12/6/2012)
29. UPDATE 2: severe penalties for gum (or tobacco) chewing in church. Mitigated only by note from doctor about "dry-mouth-whatever." (Added 12/8/2012)

Child speaks for many

We don't "do" Halloween, but...

...if we did, this is the way my boys would want to carve a pumpkin.

Pre-debate chuckle: Lego LOTR laughs

You'll love this, tipped by Kevin DeYoung.

The Cranky Cave Troll:

Gollum's "Baby":

...aaand Frodo's Birthday Surprise:

My thoughts on the first Romney-Obama debate...

...were actually well-captured by Bob Owens:

Fun: Doodling in Math — Spirals, Fibonacci, and Being a Plant

Do you have to enjoy math or understand Fibonaccis to enjoy this pleasantly motormouth girl's graphic musings?

Evidently not!

(thx Kerry Allen)

Jim Caviezel, Chicago... and Christopher Walken

This is pretty funny. Jim Caviezel (of the movie The Passion of the Christ, and the TV series Person of Interest) with Chicago's Keith Howland, doing "If You Leave Me Now" — as Christopher Walken.

Two attempts to fool Penn and Teller

One unsuccessful, but pretty darned funny:

And one successful, and pretty darned amazing:

Music Monday: absolutely wonderful Star Wars duel... on cello, with the ThePianoGuys

Too cool.

Don't thank me, thank BSIL.

How to Spend Fifteen Million Dollars - a blast from the past

As I mentioned last week, other (good!) things are semi-hiatusing me from the most time-consuming blogging for a bit. Just did not have time to put together a Hither and Thither this week. Sorry! Maybe next week.

I did find something I've thought of over and over again for many years. It is from the August/September 1978 edition of The Wittenburg Door, a sort of Christianoid Mad Magazine that ran interviews, serious pieces and many humorous pieces and satires. It still sort of exists online. (I haven't read the Door for 30+ years, so can't vouch for anything.)

What I bring you today was my favorite bit, ever. It was on the occasion of the erection of that grand monstrosity, The Crystal Cathedral. This piece has particularly bitter irony, now that we know the miserable end to which the monument to Robert Schuller's ego has come.

It was a full-page graphic titled HOW TO SPEND $15,000,000, and it went something like this.

I thought it a potent comment. Remember that this is in 1978 dollars. Maybe some brainiac can do the math to update the current impact.

A Valentine's Day word for husbands

(thx Kerry Allen)