Wednesday, November 28, 2012

When I'm King of America

Started thinking about the changes I'll decree to make it a better country, when I become King of America, beyond the obvious.

Here's the short-list:
  1. Cut all taxes by 90%.
  2. Make up shortfall by ticketing absolutely everyone who changes lanes or turns without signalling.
  3. ...and by a $1000 tax on all white cars in California. On principle.
  4. Double tax for white vans. Obviously.
  5. Outlaw endnotes of any kind. (Duh.)
  6. Ban Old Navy commercials. They are known to lower IQ.
  7. Revise history books to skip the 39th, 42nd and 44th presidents.
  8. Bring back Firefly. (Duh.)
  9. Disband the American Episcopalian church, the UMC, and the PCUSA. Convert buildings to bowling alleys. (Seriously, dudes, you're done. Read the memo.)
  10. Require that all females who call themselves "pastors" wear this while "on the clock."
  11. Outlaw temperatures over 80 degrees and humidity over 40% in Texas.
  12. Stiff penalties for in-print misuses of there/their/they're, it's, your/you're, quotation-marks, asterisks, and the words "literally" and "fascinating."
  13. Require that everyone who thinks I should pay for her contraceptives buy me a handgun of my choice.
  14. Decrease number of Starbucks by half, increase number of Peet's by 875%, and require their presence in every state of the Union. Or at least Texas. Or at least Copperfield.
  15. Eliminate all copies of Alien 3 and the last ~20 minutes of Alien 4.
  16. Stiff fine for anyone who says "Turkey Day," except to excoriate the practice.
  17. Stiff fine for anyone who writes or (even worse) says "Xmas."
  18. Double the fine if they try to defend "Xmas" by appealing to a foreign alphabet 99.999% of Americans don't know.
  19. Eliminate voting ballots or material in any language but English.
  20. Require Chicago to reconcile with Pete Cetera, Bill Champlin, and Danny Seraphine, outlaw any more "greatest hits" albums, and mandate that they get their groove back.
  21. Decree that Chicago be listed in Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Seriously. Hel-lo?
  22. Outlaw televisions in waiting rooms.
  23. Stiff fine for commenting on blog posts without reading post.
  24. Cancel all frivolous federally-funded research projects, and redirect resources to finding a way to make non-fattening healthy foods taste as good and be as satisfying and convenient as Nutella, Oreos, ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, fried chicken, submarine sandwiches with heavy mayonnaise, hamburgers, and pizza. I mean, seriously. I can't believe someone hasn't done this already.
  25. Outlaw hyphenated last names. Seriously, pick.
  26. Outlaw hyphenated ethnicities.
  27. Require pastors, every fifteen minutes, either to say what verse they're on, or to say "You know, I'm just making this stuff up."
  28. UPDATE: require all actors to preface all public statements with this: "I am not actually a person of depth, character and accomplishment — I just play one on screen." (Added 12/6/2012)
  29. UPDATE 2: severe penalties for gum (or tobacco) chewing in church. Mitigated only by note from doctor about "dry-mouth-whatever." (Added 12/8/2012)


Larry Geiger said...

:-) :-) :-)

GrammaMack said...

King of Canada too, please--especially for #12! :-)

jbboren said...

"Stiff penalties for in-print misuses of there/their/they're, it's, quotation-marks, asterisks, and the words "literally" and "fascinating."

You left out the penalty for failing to capitalize the first-person personal pronoun, and the inability to spell 'definite' correctly.

Terry Rayburn said...


And illustrious of why we [are supposed to] have a Republic instead of a Monarchy :)

Terry Rayburn said...

If I may petition the king, could we do something about those folks who use "loose" when they mean "lose", as in "I need to loose weight"?

Good that you're thinking up these good ideas, Dan, so Obama will at least have some good things to rule in his 5th term, for his 7th billion Executive Order and following.

Rhology said...

You want pastors to preach more than 15 minutes?

Jim Peet said...

The Peet's thing is definitely a fascinating idea (they cancel each other out!)

Scot said...

Several these alone would make the abandonment of democracy a good idea.

M'Lord, I shall gladly pledge my services in enforcing your will. I only ask for a small parsonage, say a UMC church in Pondscum, ID for use as a workshop.

Dorothy said...

I second the call to make you King of Canada as well, for #5, 12, and 24.
I would respectfully request that you add "your/you're" to #12 when you are king.

DJP said...


threegirldad said...

You're king now? Wow, that was fast.


Anonymous said...

If it please the king: The "tone police" deserve special consideration in your kingdom.

threegirldad said...'re actually going to slap "Reverend Doctor Professor _____" with a double fine? That can't be right. Which means that #18 has to be wrong.


jmb said...

Sean Hannity would literally go broke for misusing "literally" so often.

DJP said...


A certain well-known preacher, noted for his stress on literal interpretation, would literally do the same.


Chris H said...

It's just like you Christians to think that you know best for everyone. No mention of the poor in this list? Seriously... Didn't Jesus care about the poor?

David Regier said...

You like Chicago? I LOVE Chicago!

*singing* "Next time I fall . . . in love, I'll know better what to do . . ."

DJP said...

< facepalm >

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Well, you've got my vote. And kudos to Terry for lose/loose. (I can imagine half of America's keys making a break for freedom...)

Here's another one:

We don't announce the winner of any election until all the signs are gone.


Julian said...

On #26, you first need to ban forms that ask for ethnicity information. Unless you're anti-miscegenation. Then I'd have to move to...Mexico, assuming you've taken over Canada too. Otherwise, sound reforms.

Unknown said...

Oh man great list and mad props for mentioning Firefly and Alien... Also you might want to fine me for the use of mad props. Let the mob decide.


Andrea said...

Someone please tell Chris H. that this is a joke list. Evidently he didn't get the joke. Tongues here are all firmly in cheek. Nobody claimed that it was possible for Dan to become "king." Dan himself knows that Jesus is the only one qualified for the title "King." And Christians know that Jesus (who *does* know what is best for everybody, way more than we ever could) will ultimately change much more than just poverty and punctuation.

Fred Butler said...

If you add to #20 making the original Journey get together with Steve Perry as vocals, I'll help you round up works to toil in your sugar mines.

Susan said...

LOL on #2, #3, and # 4. Must be your SoCal upbringing! (Is traffic in TX remotely as bad?

Oh, to Terry's "loose" I'd add the apostrophe, with or without any misspelled words. Ay, their's the rub. It's ubiquity needs to be outlawed. :P

DJP said...

I think Chris H was joking.

Or, goodness, I surely hope so.

DJP said...

Susan, one sees fewer white cars in Texas, thank God. People actually commit to a color.

As to the driving, drivers drive more stupidly in CA, and much more aggressively in TX. If you leave a car-length plus the thickness of a dollar-bill between you and the car in front of you, someone will pull in. And newly red lights are viewed as advisory only.

My dear wife says that Texans are the dearest people she's met, yet something happens once they get behind the wheel...

Chris H said...

Andrea and DJP:

See #23.


jmb said...

I have to add led/lead. Grrr.

Bill Honsberger said...

Chicago should only let Cetera come back in if he regrows his hair and takes hormone shots! Apparently cutting his hair required him to lose his muscular self and go bubble gum. It was happening while he was still with the band and the evil transformation was completed when he left.

trogdor said...

#11 sounds like pretty typical liberal-think. Around Chicago we probably need to cut the snow removal budget; it would probably be easier if we just outlaw snow, or at least pass a law limiting the snow to a certain number of days per year.

Robert said...


At least down in Jersey Village (around 290 and Jones Road), they had the brains to put in cameras to start ticketing people running the red lights here. Not sure if it is effective in convincing people to stop at a red light, though.

Randy Talley said...

Can I be the Name Czar? I have my own list of what names would be allowed vs. forbidden (hyphenation being one of those), along with ONE way to spell any particular name.

threegirldad said...

Re: #28...

"As a rule, actors shouldn't say words that weren't written for them by others. And not always those words, either." (Dan Phillips)

DJP said...

LOL, I agree with me. Where did I say that? Are you working on my biography? Oh dear.

threegirldad said...

You said it on Twitter, which fed to your FB wall, so you said it there also.

Don't you remember everything you've ever said on Twitter? If not, well, tsk, tsk.


MikeSnow said...

NO. 9 was my favorite, until I got to this one:

Require pastors, every fifteen minutes, either to say what verse they're on, or to say "You know, I'm just making this stuff up."

[please add 'OUTLAW captcha'
"The characters you entered didn't match the word verification" YES THEY DID! ]

MikeSnow said...

NOW what??? "Please prove you are not a robot"

But I just posted?????

"The characters you entered didn't match the word verification. Please try again."
Is this a joke? Do they always do this on the first try???

Rita Tomassetti said...

I'm glad you're not banning bubble gum, otherwise I wouldnt vote for ya :P

DJP said...

Oh yeah! Thanks, that reminds me.

...and you don't vote for kings. You pledge fealty to them.


Marla said...

"Make up shortfall by ticketing absolutely everyone who changes lanes or turns without signalling."

I'd also add stiff fines for drivers, who when seeing you want to merge onto the freeway (and there is plenty of room) suddenly speed up to close the gap and nearly force you onto the shoulder. Seems to be happening more and more in C-bus.

Of course, the first thing I would do as King of America is deport the liberals to their own Island in the Pacific (or possibly choose a state they can all go to and stay there -- maybe New Mexico?) so they can leave the rest of us alone.

Jay C. said...

Dan, why do you hate vehicles that are color white?