Briefly: on homosexual "marriage" and fat people

Citing the benefits of marriage to explain why two homosexuals should be able to force others to call what they do "marriage" is like citing the benefits of physical fitness to explain why fat people should be able to force others to call them "thin."

You're welcome.

Married to an unbeliever

Paula Hendricks posts a thought-provoking piece from a reader on her long marriage to an unbeliever. The anonymous contributor writes well, candidly, and sympathetically.

Her epiphany (and at least the title of the "challenge" she cites) parallels one of the twin central points of the best marriage-book I've read, Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect. It's just one of those ironies that the very thing God commands wives to give their husbands is the thing many women find it difficult or well-night impossible to give: respect. Likewise, the very thing He calls husbands to give is what many men aren't great at giving: love.

But men long for, yearn for, and desire respect from their wives; and wives long for, yearn for, and desire love from their husbands.

The mark of a stalemated marriage is where each is waiting for the other to step up and make that move of obedience. The mark of a growing disciple of Christ is that (s)he doesn't wait for others' obedience.

Glimpse into the psyche of a half-decent guy (for the ladies; reposted)

Repost from 4/23/2007, slightly edited


PREMISE: What follows all depends on whether you can imagine that I'm a half-decent guy. If you can't... well... maybe I'll post something of value to you later on. I move from there; whether you move with me is your call.

NOTE: this was written ten days ago.

BACKGROUND: It's been another brain-frazzling week. I think I've managed a couple of posts at the Greek site, one at Pyro, and one here. Something like that.

Last night at Karate I re-injured my knee. I've been limping around since March 19, when I injured it dealing with four "assailants." It's taking me forever to get into the doctor's office. Meanwhile, I've re-injured it three times now, just doing normal things. (What did it last night wasn't actually any Karate move; it was just the reckless, wildeyed, irresponsible act of turning around. Yeah; getting older is great!)

So I'm hobbling around in my house with a cane. My wife very sweetly went out to get me a leg brace. So I go to my pc to check a couple of things, one of them being the Pyro blog. On that blog, I see this sweet post from Phil, wishing Darlene a happy birthday.

I was glad to see it. Usually, Thursday is one of "my" days at Pyro, but I really didn't have anything in my brain worth giving, so I was happy to see Phil posting a couple of times. And I think it's about Frank's turn, perhaps to go on with his promised series on apologetics. So I was a bit relieved — because, as I said, I didn't have anything. Besides, it was about bedtime, and there wouldn't be any time to do anything, anyway. Bedtime for me is a firm time, since I have to get up at 3:30am.

But then I see this:
Ay yi yi.

Oh boy, so what do I do? I had nothing. My brain is an empty coffee can, without the nice aroma.
I looked where I keep my under-development posts. Is anything ready to go, or close to it? Ohh, wonderful. Nope. Nothing.

So what do I do?

Well, I think very highly of Phil. His confidence in me means a lot to me; it matters to me. He's depending on me to come up with something. He's trusting in me to deliver.

So I take a breath, I pray, and I start thinking hard. Then I come up with something, off the cuff, on the spur of the moment. I typed fast and furious last night, then woke up at my usual time, and finished it this morning.
Why? Because Phil expressed confidence in me. That it was so public honestly didn't matter at all. It would have been the same in an email, a phone conversation. He was trusting me to come through for him. He honored me. I had to deliver. (Whether what I came up with is any good is for God and you to decide.)

"And this is 'for the ladies,' how, exactly?" Every woman will have some sort of tension with her man. She'll have some desire to dominate him in some way (Genesis 3:16), to disrespect him. He won't live up to every one of her expectations. He won't conform to her will in every regard.

So, what to do?

I'll put this positively, for whatever degree I'm representative of my species.

What gets the most out of me? Respect. Trust. Confidence. When someone expresses confidence in me, shows trust, shows respect, that is when I feel the most driven to give 110% or more. Both of my bosses at work have done so recently, and it really made me want to justify that confidence. And that's just my bosses. The more a person means to me on a personal level, the greater the effect. It unerringly has that effect when my dear wife gives me a "You'll do great"-type pep-talk, for instance, before a challenging situation. Her confidence and trust mean more to me than any other mortal's.

I think all at-least-half-decent men are basically the same. Trust spurs them to do more. By contrast, expressions of mistrust, disrespect, evil-eyed suspicion are likelier to tear down, dishearten, and crush men. Or if they're absolutely convicted that they're on the right course, they have to dig in their heels and grimly trudge on (to mix metaphors). But they're less likely to be hearing a critic who has already so severely misjudged them.

Isn't this along the lines of what Peter says in 1 Peter 3:1ff.? Remember, he's talking about a situation of actual sin. And in such a situation, he doesn't encourage the wife to tear her husband apart with her sharp tongue, nor to berate him, disrespect him, unman him, rip him to shreds. No, he urges her to shush, and show him quiet, devoted respect. (Read a lot more about that here.)

And that is in cases of sin — which, if we're honest, isn't where most marital friction arises.

For a half-decent man, do what Peter says. Express respect, trust, confidence. As far as you honestly can, cheer, don't boo. Build (Proverbs 14:1), make him feel like a king (Proverbs 12:4). The Proverbs 31 lady's husband didn't end up in the gates with the Big Dogs, by his wife telling him what a loser he was. It was because he could trust her goodwill towards him completely (31:11-12).

Be your husband's cheering section. A half-decent man will knock himself out living up to it.

On "Jeffing": words from an old, happily-married man

In yesterday's lively meta the subject of "Jeffing" came up. The word is derived thus:

"Just Friends"

=> JF
=> "Jeff"

We heard comments both from Jeffers and the Jeffed. I'd like to add a couple of my own.

Were being Jeffed  an Olympic event, I would have taken a gold medal. I am deeply experienced. If experience qualifies one to comment, I am highly qualified. And so I speak:

To the Jeffed

Be sympathetic. Try to put yourself in her sandals. (Or "his"; sometimes men do Jeff women.)

Here's this adoring, eager, starry-eyed fellow. You don't want to break his heart or harsh his mellow... but you just don't feel what he feels. You don't want what he wants. The attention and all are flattering and nice, but it isn't fair to him to let him keep casting his line into a lake with no fish for him.

So what do you do? You tell him, as nicely as you can. There's no happy way to do it. It's a lose::lose, but it has to be done. If she's a decent girl, it kills her to have to do it. (If she isn't a "decent girl," what the heck are you barking after her for?)

Second, be trustful. I look back to one girl I loved desperately (that's a key word). We had a tumultuous relationship, with sparks and unsparks, and a lot of on and off. She ended up Jeffing me.

I was absolutely shattered, I walked about as a dead man for a long time.

Now? Oh, thank God she Jeffed me. Marriage would have been disastrous. I didn't see it at the time; I'm married now, and I see it with crystal clarity. I'd have been a horrid husband to her, and she... wouldn't have made me happy.

But you never could have told me either at the time.

Plus, I'd not have married the wonderful woman I'm married to.

Plus-plus, I learned impor... wait, that's not accurate. I began learning important truths that I could not have learned sufficiently from a book. It was all part of God's training program. He knew what He was doing, even though I didn't.

But I could have known, couldn't I? Oh, not the specifics, but the grand picture. What was He doing? Conforming me to Christ's likeness through suffering. It's not like He didn't tell me, either (Rom. 8:28-30; Heb. 5:8).

Don't give up on marriage, yet learn to be content in Christ now, and to be useful now. Because the cruel irony of the universe is that desperation is not attractive, it is repellant.

To the Jeffers

My word to you is briefer.

As you see already, you have my sympathy. I know Jeffers come in both genders. But let me just offer one challenge.

The idea that billowy waves of romantic love and firework-feelings constitute the prime requirement of marriage is a lie. It is Biblically baseless. It is founded in a wave of romantic literature that began mere centuries ago, and it is fed by Hollywood — which, as we know, is Expert in matters of morality and fidelity and marriage and God and character.

< /blistering and hopefully obvious sarcasm >

Note I don't say one thing against romance and emotion and passion. I'm in favor of all three! But I do say put them in their place.

I received some off-line correspondence related to yesterday's thread. One was from a sister in Christ, who wrote that many of the comments left her feeling sad. She was concerned for girls (boys too, I'd add) who "don’t recognize that solid and steady and faithful and companionable and kind are wonderful traits in husbands," so they “Jeff” these single guys — and later the divorced moms realize what a treasure such men are.

Because they married what they wanted, only too late to discover what they needed.

This is a theme I develop at length, for both sexes, in the Proverbs book. I do commend it to you, especially right  now while it's 50% off.

Seriously.

For Singles Only

This is a companion-post to the piece over at Pyro today. There I discuss the difficult time singles can sometimes have in local church fellowships.

One need is that it can be difficult for Christian singles to meet other Christian singles. Church should be the best place to meet one's future mate, but some churches are small, or in isolated areas, and the opportunities are nil. So Christians turn to online resources or others. Best is church, or connections though good friends or relatives. But sometimes "best" just is not an option.

In our meta, I'm encouraging singles only to identify themselves, share any of their experiences they'd like to share. I know we had a couple of single readers here at BibChr and over at Pyro who actually met (I'm not sure whether it was because of being co-readers) and married. I wouldn't mind being the connection point for other happy unions — to say the least.

However, let me issue a caution: any single, man or woman, needs to be extremely cautious in starting a relationship with someone you've met over The Intrawebs.

HSAT:

Some of you are reading or have read the Proverbs book. Please feel free to share how it spoke to you as a single as well... because, in writing, I didn't forget you.

The meta at Pyro is open for anyone according to the normal rules. This meta, I'd like to see dominated by singles only.

Well, you know, except for me. But I was one once, and I haven't forgotten what it was like.

Illustrating the misinterpretation of Ephesians 5:21 as "mutual submission"

"...subordinating yourselves to one another in fear of Christ: wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord..." (Ephesians 5:21-22, Greek)

(From this site, which has some absolutely hysterical cartoons)

Mystery quotation: Who gave this piece of marriage advice?

"Do whatever she tells you to do."

Rules:

1. If you know, say
2. If you don't know, guess
3. NO GOOGLING!

Sorry, but... WSJ article on apologizing

Rachael (Starke, not DAOD — but indispensable in her own way, nevertheless) alerted me to an article from Monday's online Wall Street Journal titled I'm Very, Very, Very Sorry ... Really? Written by Elizabeth Bernstein, it employs new research from Canadian psychologists as a launchpad for discussing apologies in human relations.

The article dovetails somewhat with the two-parter at Pyro that I started yesterday and plan to conclude tomorrow, but it is different. Genuine apologies are virtually always part of genuine repentance, but my focus over-thereward is different. Repentance may include that, but it is seldom limited to that. So we get to discuss the article here.

Sorry!

Okay, I'm not really sorry, but that's the sort of thing a man might say to keep the peace, Ms. Bernstein wisely observes. The article is a pleasant read, written with humor and experience, including findings from the research as well as anecdotal observations and interviews.

Bernstein observes that men and women often want and mean different things by apologies. To a man, an apology is likelier to mean something along the lines of "What I did was wrong; I should never have done it, should never do it again, and ask you to forgive me for it."

To a woman — while certainly often including exactly that meaning — an apology may have tones along the lines of "What I did upset you, I care about you and our relationship, and I'm sorry you're upset." So when a woman sees a man refuse to apologize...

• To him, it may simply be because he can't imagine how what he did was immoral or irrational
• To her, the refusal means he does not care about her, her feelings, or the relationship.

Bernstein quotes from a man who's been married 36 years. He figures that, in that time,

he has sincerely apologized [see my "man" definition above, I think, for his meaning] to his wife, Carol, just five times—but has said he's sorry an additional 3,500 times. He calls these mea culpas "fraudulent apologies." They go something like this: "I don't know why you're unhappy, but I'm sorry."

"Ninety percent of apologies are to keep the peace," he adds. "How can you have a sincere apology if you don't know what you've done?"

I have learned over the years that male/female communication is a tricky thing, both an art and a science, and fraught with danger. The most maddening aspect of it is the fact that we may use the exact same language, and yet mean such different things. So doing it well (I speak as a theoretician) is like speaking a foreign language that uses all the same words as the mother-language — yet with wildly different meanings.

It is like ordering a hamburger in a restaurant where the language is English, but the term for "hamburger" is "summer squash." Even though a man knows that, if he wants hamburger he must say summer squash, he shrinks from doing so, for fear that he might get the latter rather than the former.

A pigheaded man — which some will unkindly murmur is a tautology — will refuse ever to apologize (except as outlined above), because it is unwarranted. He may be 100% correct, of course. But his refusal communicates to his wife that he doesn't care about her, her feelings, or the relationship. So, he is meaning "I can't tell you that it was immoral for me to read the newspaper, because it wasn't" — and he's correct. But what she's hearing is "I don't care that you felt unimportant, I don't care that you felt unloved, and I don't care about our relationship"... though he is neither saying nor meaning any of that.

If a man offers such an apology, then, is he lying? Is he harming his conscience, or insulting his wife?

In no way... any more than I am when I say embarasada in Spanish and mean "pregnant," though the word sounds like "embarrassed" in English. When he offers such an apology, he's communicating exactly what his wife hopes to hear, but in her language.

Where's wisdom, then? This is what Ms. Bernstein neglects to say, if she knows it.

The wise couple will fear God, and embrace His order for the home, with the husband leading and the wife respectfully following his lead.

The wise/godly wife will thank God her husband is a man, respect him for the man he is, and mortify (put to death — Romans 13:14) any internal drive to try to feminize her husband or bludgeon him into compliance. She will learn to hear his language and accept it for what it is. That is putting 1 Peter 3:1-6 into practical application.

The wise/godly husband will thank God his wife is a woman, love her for what she is, cherish and care for her as Christ cares for the church, and — while not leaving his fundamental mooring as a godly man — learn to speak her language. That is putting 1 Peter 3:7, as well as Ephesians 5:25-28, into practical application.

NOTE that each of those is what the godly husband/wife should do — not what either should demand that the other do.

You see, the Cross has something to say to us both, even in this area.

Father's Day, in light of Proverbs 12:4

Aigh! Suddenly, I've run out of week!

I had in mind to do something on Father's Day, as I have on Mother's Day in the past. But now here it is, Thursday. I already have a post; tomorrow's Hither and Thither... and you just don't "bump" Hither and Thither.

I have many thoughts about manhood and fatherhood in our culture, but unfortunately most of them are half-formed and not ready for prime-time.

...then I wrote three sentences, and deleted them all. Which sort of proves, or at least illustrates, my point.

So I'll start and pretty much end with Proverbs 12:4, and an application:

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.:

One could almost write a book on that single verse, but I'll restrain myself. Note that it is the mark of an excellent wife, which in Hebrew suggests a wife of character and substance, is marked by making her husband feel like a king. She adorns him. She puts him in a high place.

Wisdom would suggest the further thought that such a man has the position and motivation to do great exploits for his wife and his family.

Is that a reach? Hardly. Simply move on to Line B and ask, What is the point of contrast? Here we see a woman who shames her husband, who disgraces him and causes him to blush. What is the effect? A rotten skeleton. Bone cancer.

Think, as Solomon means us to do: what can a man accomplish, if his bones are all rotten? Nothing — which suggests a vicious cycle. She demoralizes him, he slumps, this infuriates her, she demoralizes him, he slumps, this infuriates her....

Clearly then the two portraits are meant to clash off of each other. The first creates a cycle also. Because she's a woman of character, she treats her husband in a God-centered way. She has embraced her created role as helper and soul-mate with all her heart (Genesis 2:18). She's happy to be a woman of God, and does her best to make her husband happy to be a man of God. What he does feeds her happiness.

She is in this way a contrast to the foolish woman of Line B, who tears down her house with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1).

There's more to say, but I'll stop. (But here is a little more.) Having blasted the Proverbs 31:28-31 horn lustily in the past — and even done it, right here, in front of everyone! — I thought perhaps you might bear with this word of exhortation.

So, ladies, how are you going to make your guys feel like kings this Father's Day? (Or if that's a secret, how have you done it in the past?)

There. Now I think at one time or another I've given good "bumps" to Father's Day and Mother's Day.

"Outdo one another in showing honor" (Romans 12:10b)

Spurgeon (and sanity) on pastor's wives

I've said similarly, but never better (italics his, bold added):

Churches do not give a married minister two salaries, one for the husband and the other for the wife; but, in many cases, they look for the services of the wife, whether they pay for them or not. The Pastor's wife is expected to know everything about the church, and in another sense she is to know nothing of it; and she is equally blamed by some people whether she knows everything or nothing. Her duties consist in being always at home to attend to her husband and her family, and being always out, visiting other people, and doing all sorts of things for the whole church! Well, of course, that is impossible; she cannot be at everybody's beck and call, and she cannot expect to please everybody. Her husband cannot do that, and I think he is very foolish if he tries to do it; and I am certain that, as the husband cannot please everybody, neither can the wife. There will be sure to be somebody or other who will be displeased, especially if that somebody had herself half hoped to be the minister's wife! Difficulties arise continually, in the best-regulated churches; and the position of the minister's wife is always a very trying one. Still, I think, that if I was a Christian young woman, I would marry a Christian minister if I could, because there is an opportunity of doing so much good in helping him in his service for Christ. It is a great assistance to the cause of God to keep the minister himself in good order for his work. It is his wife's duty to see that he is not uncomfortable at home; for, if everything there is happy, and free from care, he can give all his thoughts to his preparation for the pulpit; and the godly woman, who thus helps her husband to preach better, is herself a preacher though she never speaks in public, and she becomes to the highest degree useful to that portion of the Church of Christ which is committed to her husband's charge' (from his autobiography The Full Harvest)

TIWIARN

Don't expect too much out of me ("When did we ever?", the crowd retorts) for the next few days... because of the SECONDLY.

Word to husbands this Christmas

Watch and learn:

Ouch.

I myself, once, early in our marriage, gave my dear wife... I gave her.... gave her a set of.....

No, I can't. I just can't.

I meant well. I was young. Younger.

She was very gracious. Thank God.

And I never did it again.

(h-t- Jollyblogger)

One of the very best gifts I ever gave my children

The best gift I ever gave my children would have to be doing what I could to give them a witness to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, with whatever integrity God has graced me with. But next to that?

Best thing I ever did for my children was giving them the mother they have.

I've had reason to think that again and again. I had reason again last night.

Every human in my house except me is in various stages of a cold. My 13yos is almost over it, my dear wife Valerie is cycling, and my 9yos Jonathan has just had a relapse. He'd had it, then he seemed about 95% recovered on Wednesday, but had a setback Thursday and Friday.

My dear Jonathan, in my late mother's words, "Suffers well" — meaning he's pretty dramatic. There are lots of moans and whimpers, and he falls apart easily. Josiah is more stoic; Valerie hates being sick at all; I'm seldom sick (too old and mean), but when I am I vary between Josiah and Jonathan.

So Jonathan was very "puny," as we say, suffering lustily, coughing and being miserable. I cuddled him before bedtime and rubbed on the vaporub. Then my wife and I spent time together, and when we went off towards bed, Jonathan was awake and unhappy.

We both went in and sat with him and comforted him awhile. Then Valerie stayed to snuggle and comfort him, and told me to get off to bed. (I'd been awake around 20 hours.) So I eventually did.

As I drifted off, I thought about Valerie, and thanked God (again) for her. What a dedicated mother Valerie is, and always has been. Every one of our children, she's shown this kind of sacrificial care and devoted love. Always thinking of better ways to homeschool them, good experiences and trips to expose them to, ways to help them and point them in the right direction. She's painstakingly made amazing clothes and costumes for Rachael (now 25) and Matthew (now 21), cared for them when sick, scolded and encouraged and taught and played with and loved them.

Valerie so deserves devotion and appreciation and love and respect and honor from them all.

She surely has mine.

So, I've given my kids my own love and care and toys and time and all. But next to the Gospel, the best thing I ever gave them was a superb, amazing, devoted, never-ceasing-to-astonish mother.

I've done so many things wrong in my life, made so many bad decisions.

That wasn't one of them.

And now, since I'm blessed with readers from all stages of life:

Word to husbands. Need I say more?

But especially, word to would-be husbands. Remember, boys: you aren't merely choosing fun company or sexual release. You're choosing a person created in the image of God, whom you are to serve, lead and cherish; a partner to fill and round you out in your service to God — and a mother for your children.

And finally, word to children. You have a mother anything like that? And you aren't regularly looking for concrete ways to show her honor and love, and to say "Thank you" to her?

Shame! Repent!

Happy personal news

To start the day right and joyous: my dear, beautiful, amazing (in many senses of the word) and only daughter, Rachael Christine Phillips, is engaged to be married! Valerie and I are very happy for them. We look forward to joining in the celebration and witness of their public exchange of vows in early January.

Interesting perspective on feminine submission

From the often-opaque (to me), sometimes-brilliant Douglas Wilson, Piperically quoting himself on his blog:

"Headship in marriage does not mean that women submit to men; it means one woman submits to one man. Her submission to her husband protects her from having to submit to other men. Prior to marriage, her submission to her father protects her from having to submit to other men. There is no overall biblical requirement that women be submissive to men in general. The biblical pattern is that a wife should respond to the initiative and leadership of her husband, and only to him. She is prepared and trained for this in her submission to her father" (Her Hand in Marriage, pp. 12-13)

What think ye?

Me, I'm pondering. Of course marriage does not mean that a wife submits to no other man in any other context. She may have a boss to obey; if a Christian, she will have an elder or elders in church to submit to. But her husband may have the same responsibility in both similar relationships. Neither of these relations has anything to do with her sex.

But sex does weigh in marriage. The two are equally each other's spouse; but God ordains that the husband, the man, be the head of the family; and that she submit to him.

But that isn't because he is a man; it is because he is her husband. She doesn't submit to his maleness per se, but to his office. That office is exclusive to males, however.

Don't we see this reflected in various verses? For instance, I think of 1 Peter 2:18, where slaves are told to submit even to unjust masters; or 1 Peter 3:1f., where wives are told to submit from the heart even to husbands who are disobeying the Word. In neither case is it the sex of the authority that is the issue, but the office. However, in the case of masters, I know of no Biblical legislation barring them from being women; in the case of husbands, of course, there is.

There, perhaps that's enough to prime the pump.

BREAKING NEWS: a wife praises her husband! In front of God and everyone!

I love it when spouse builds up spouse, in public. Lord knows I've seen far too much of the reverse.

See sister Libbie let us know what a great guy her husband is.

Way to put Proverbs 12:4a and 14:1a into practice, Libbie! God bless you all.

For more about how wise and godly Libbie is being, check these out:

Wise wives = blessed husbands = happy wives
Glimpse into the psyche of a half-decent guy (for the ladies)

Glimpse into the psyche of a half-decent guy (for the ladies)

PREMISE: What follows all depends on whether you can imagine that I'm a half-decent guy. If you can't... well... maybe I'll post something of value to you later on. I move from there; whether you move with me is your call.

NOTE: this was written on April 13.

BACKGROUND: It's been another brain-frazzling week. I think I've managed a couple of posts at the Greek site, one at Pyro, and one here. Something like that.

Last night at Karate I re-injured my knee. I've been limping around since March 19, when I injured it dealing with four "assailants." It's taking me forever to get into the doctor's office. Meanwhile, I've re-injured it three times now, just doing normal things. (What did it last night wasn't actually any Karate move; it was just the reckless, wildeyed, irresponsible act of turning around. Yeah; getting older is great!)

So I'm hobbling around in my house with a cane. My wife very sweetly went out to get me a leg brace. So I go to my pc to check a couple of things, one of them being the Pyro blog. On that blog, I see this sweet post from Phil, wishing Darlene a happy birthday.

I was glad to see it. Usually, Thursday is one of "my" days at Pyro, but I really didn't have anything in my brain worth giving, so I was happy to see Phil posting a couple of times. And I think it's about Frank's turn, perhaps to go on with his promised series on apologetics. So I was a bit relieved — because, as I said, I didn't have anything. Besides, it was about bedtime, and there wouldn't be any time to do anything, anyway. Bedtime for me is a firm time, since I have to get up at 3:30am.

But then I see this:

Ay yi yi.

Oh boy, so what do I do? I had nothing. My brain is an empty coffee can, without the nice aroma.

I looked where I keep my under-development posts. Is anything ready to go, or close to it? Ohh, wonderful. Nope. Nothing.

So what do I do?

Well, I think very highly of Phil. His confidence in me means a lot to me; it matters to me. He's depending on me to come up with something. He's trusting in me to deliver.

So I take a breath, I pray, and I start thinking hard. Then I come up with something, off the cuff, on the spur of the moment. I typed fast and furious last night, then woke up at my usual time, and finished it this morning.

Why? Because Phil expressed confidence in me. That it was so public honestly didn't matter at all. It would have been the same in an email, a phone conversation. He was trusting me to come through for him. He honored me. I had to deliver. (Whether what I came up with is any good is for God and you to decide.)

"And this is 'for the ladies,' how, exactly?" Every woman will have some sort of tension with her man. She'll have some desire to dominate him in some way (Genesis 3:16), to disrespect him. He won't live up to every one of her expectations. He won't conform to her will in every regard.

So, what to do?

I'll put this positively, for whatever degree I'm representative of my species.

What gets the most out of me? Respect. Trust. Confidence. When someone expresses confidence in me, shows trust, shows respect, that is when I feel the most driven to give 110% or more. Both of my bosses at work have done so recently, and it really made me want to justify that confidence. And that's just my bosses. The more a person means to me on a personal level, the greater the effect. It unerringly has that effect when my dear wife gives me a "You'll do great"-type pep-talk, for instance, before a challenging situation. Her confidence and trust mean more to me than any other mortal's.

I think all at-least-half-decent men are basically the same. Trust spurs them to do more. By contrast, expressions of mistrust, disrespect, evil-eyed suspicion are likelier to tear down, dishearten, and crush men. Or if they're absolutely convicted that they're on the right course, they have to dig in their heels and grimly trudge on (to mix metaphors). But they're less likely to be hearing a critic who has already so severely misjudged them.

Isn't this along the lines of what Peter says in 1 Peter 3:1ff.? Remember, he's talking about a situation of actual sin. And in such a situation, he doesn't encourage the wife to tear her husband apart with her sharp tongue, nor to berate him, disrespect him, unman him, rip him to shreds. No, he urges her to shush, and show him quiet, devoted respect. (Read a lot more about that here.)

And that is in cases of sin — which, if we're honest, isn't where most marital friction arises.

For a half-decent man, do what Peter says. Express respect, trust, confidence. As far as you honestly can, cheer, don't boo. Build (Proverbs 14:1), make him feel like a king (Proverbs 12:4). The Proverbs 31 lady's husband didn't end up in the gates with the Big Dogs, by his wife telling him what a loser he was. It was because he could trust her goodwill towards him completely (31:11-12).

Be your husband's cheering section. A half-decent man will knock himself out living up to it.

"It was twenty years ago today"... yesterday

Our sister Kim the Kanadienne writes a characteristically transparent reflection on the 20th anniversary of her wedding to the infamous Bugblaster. Here's just one chuckalicious excerpt:

When I was a young bride of 22, I had no idea of what it meant to be married. I thought marriage was all about having my needs fulfilled and finally finding that perfect, romantic person to do all the fulfilling for me. I had little understanding about humility, submission, and forgiveness. In the first few months of my marriage, I threw a box of After Eight mints at my husband as he retreated down the hall, anxious to get away from my temper. I am happy to say that I am still very rough around the edges, but I am getting better. And I don't throw things at him anymore ..... much.

Read the whole thing for the smiles and wisdom.

"Marriage is not really about happiness"

From the quotation-marks, you might guess that this is not my statement; and you'll be right.

They are the words of Bob Just in his thoughtful, and thought-provoking essay, Son of divorce. Bob Just writes as a child of divorce, raised with a very avant-garde and liberal background. He spends roughly the first third of the essay laying out his upbringing, and the next third discussing the negative repercussions of our easy-divorce culture.

It is the last third that I think is likeliest to swipe off one's mental cobwebs. He argues passionately that our society wrongly views marriage as being all about "my happiness," and about being loved. Consequently, if one's marriage isn't making him happy, if he doesn't feel he's being loved adequately, then he is in a Bad Marriage. The insufficiently happy spouse virtually has a moral imperative to leave that marriage, and look for one in which he will feel sufficiently loved and happy. It may take two or three tries... or five or six... but it is imperative. It is what marriage is all about.

I'll not try to summarize everything Just says; I do commend it to you. I'll just say that I basically think he's echoing a Biblical perspective. My way of putting it might go something like this:

Like all of life, marriage is fundamentally about God. It is a covenant undertaken before, and in the name of, God (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 2:17; Malachi 2:14-16). Like all of life, and like every part of life, marriage is what God says it is, and takes its meaning from Him. For a man, marriage is about loving, cleaving, embodying faithfulness, leading, self-sacrifice, knowing, honoring, and serving (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 5; Ephesians 5:23-33; 1 Peter 3:7). For a woman, marriage is about helping, cleaving, loving, respecting, submitting, obeying, serving and adorning (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 14:1; 31:10-31; Ephesians 5:22, 33; Titus 2:4; 1 Peter 3:1-6).

There's more.

For both, at any time, marriage may well be about suffering... and not necessarily for doing anything wrong. Marriage does not cancel out Matthew 5:4, 10-12, 1 Peter 2:20, and a host of similar verses. Nor does it cancel out Matthew 16:24-26, or Luke 9:23, or the principle of 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. Your marriage may be the happiest facet of your life; it may be the most painful. Odds are it will be both, at times.

If your mindset is that marriage is all about making and keeping you feeling happy, without cost, you are likely to be shocked, horrified, and appalled to learn that it simply is not so. You will be unprepared. You will be undone. You will bolt for the door our culture so obligingly holds open for you.

If on the other hand you view your marriage as you and I should view everything else in this fallen world, as something undertaken before God, and as long as we expect that it will have its share of crosses -- and as long as we accept that we need those crosses -- we can and will find happiness in our marriages.

Because it is the conviction of the Christian that God's way really is, in the final analysis, the happy way. Jesus says those who suffer for the sake of righteousness are "blessed" -- happy! Peter paradoxically says we should leap for joy even as sufferings sadden us (1 Peter 1:6, 7; 4:14). Paul learned to find joy and gladness in weakness, insults, distresses, persecutions, difficulties, for Christ's sake (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).

So in a roundabout way, marriage is about happiness, as is all of life. But it is happiness found in the Lord, and in His word, will and ways. It is happiness that can embrace both the crosses and the crowns of marriage. It is a sturdy happiness, because it is a happiness learned from Him who "for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:2).

Sometimes the happiness is easy to see -- lying in each other's arms, speaking that short-hand code forged through years of working at being soulmates, having intimate heart-to-hearts in a warmth of acceptance, hearing the most valued praise and acceptance earth has to offer. Other times, it is not so easy. In fact, it can be downright invisible.

But isn't that the Christian life? Aren't we all called to "look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen," because "the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:18)?

Marriage isn't for the faint.

But then, neither is life.

THE least-heard marriage truth

I've read a number of books, Christian and non-, on marriage. I've heard a number of the radio "experts," real and supposed. I've heard a sermon or two on marriage. But there's one truth I think I've only seen alluded to in one place, and that was in C. S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. (Even that was in a connection other than the one I'm about to develop.)

But this truth leaps out at one from Bible verse after Bible verse. You'd think it'd be the first thing Christian marriage counselors would talk about. Yet, as far as I know, it never even comes up. I certainly never recall reading it in Christian counseling manuals.

What is it? I'll give you a few hints:

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. (Numbers 30:2)

"If you make a vow to the LORD your God, you shall not delay fulfilling it, for the LORD your God will surely require it of you, and you will be guilty of sin. 22But if you refrain from vowing, you will not be guilty of sin. 23You shall be careful to do what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the LORD your God what you have promised with your mouth." (Deuteronomy 23:21-23)

I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you. (Psalm 56:12)

For you, O God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name. (Psalm 61:4)

So will I ever sing praises to your name, as I perform my vows day after day (Psalm 61:8)

Make your vows to the LORD your God and perform them; let all around him bring gifts to him who is to be feared (Psalm 76:11)

It is a snare to say rashly, "It is holy," and to reflect only after making vows. (Proverbs 20:25)

It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay (Ecclesiastes 5:5)

To that large (but not exhaustive) list, we could add our Lord's words that our "yes" should mean "yes" (Matthew 5:33-37), as well as his half-brother's echoing of that same thought (James 5:12) -- plus all the verses about not lying. For what is it to swear and not fulfill, but to lie?

What does this have to do with marriage?

Well, marriage is by its nature a vow, an oath, a covenant (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 2:17; Malachi 2:14). But in addition to that, at least in our culture, we usually take on ourselves oaths, vows, as part of the marriage ceremony. Remember the traditional ones:

Ths husband is asked, "WILT thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?" He promises, before God and everyone, that he will.

The wife is asked, "WILT thou have this man to thy wedded husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?"

The husband promises his wife, before God and everyone, "I N. take thee N. to my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth."

The wife promises her husband, before God and everyone, "I N. take thee N. to my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth."

(Some might observe that many write their own vows today, rather than using these ones. In that case, if anything, the vows are all the more binding, unless they violate the Word of God.)

Note this about all those vows: not one of them is premised on the other's keeping his vows. In other words, it is not, "If you keep your promise, then I promise that I will...." The promises are unilateral, unconditional, and therefore binding as long as the marriage lasts.

All that to this simple observation: keep your vows. If you are not doing so, you are sinning, and must repent, find God's forgiveness -- and start keeping them.

Let me add this. Many are "counseling-happy" today. I'd suggest that anyone wanting marital counseling first take out his/her wedding vows, and ask himself before God, with brutal honesty, whether he/she has provided any legitimate basis for charging that he/she is failing to keep those vows. If the honest answer is "No," then counseling may be an option. If the answer is "Yes," then the only counseling he/she should seek is from his/her pastor, as to how to remedy this sin-pattern in his/her life.

And to Christian counselors, I would suggest this: what if you started with this? Start by meeting with each individual. Tell each to bring the wedding vows, for review. Go over them closely and Biblically. Deal with sin honestly and brutally.

Then see if there is still really any need for counseling.

DJP

UPDATE: I just read of a couple who is about to celebrate eighty years of married life. They don't claim to have a "secret" for a successful marriage. But the husband does offer this thought: "Just remember the promise you made when you got married," he says. Amen!